The Crescent

Why We Need A Live Bear

October 10, 2013

Well over a century ago, students at what is now George Fox University had the right idea. They brought a live bear to campus.

This bear ultimately resulted in the noble tradition that is the Bruin Brawl. While this is all fun and games, George Fox is sorely missing a live bear.

We’ll be getting a football team in less than a year, and we really need to show our school’s mascot in all its glory. I feel a live bear would really do the trick.

According to the esteemed, a “bruin” is defined as n. a bear, especially a European brown bear. Now I could click on the link for the definition of bear, but that would simply be too extraneous and time-consuming, because we all know what a bear is.

It is a massive animal that would be very dangerous to run into while walking down a dark alley or a grocery aisle. It’s a fierce animal. It doesn’t need a “fighting” prefix, like the Camels of Campbell University.

I imagine a live bear would be quite threatening to any opposing football teams, despite the fact that many stylized bears look awfully cute and cuddly (I’m just thinking of my stuffed bear Charlie when I was a tot). It would simply win us football games.

And let’s remember, live animals aren’t anything new in college sports. The University of Georgia has the sweet and lovable bulldog Uga. There’s Ralphie the Buffalo at the University of Colorado and Dubs the Alaskan Malamute at the University of Washington. LSU has Mike the Tiger. The list goes on and on.

George Fox could bring out a live bear to the sidelines on game day. I doubt a live bear would be too dangerous. Even if the live bear got unchained, it surely wouldn’t go after anyone wearing blue and gold since it’d be conditioned to like those colors.

I think that’s how it works… But if the live bear did get loose… It might end up doing worse that just tackling the opposing team…

Scratch what I’ve just written. At second thought, maybe it’s better if we just stick with person in a bear costume.

They don’t claw and bite, right?

(I would like to note that while getting a live bear is quite unlikely, we wouldn’t be alone. See Baylor University).

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